End of a year, end of a blog.

After a year spent writing about the troubles I had to go through in Liverpool, I am now archiving this blog. I have found a job, I'm close to finding a new place to live, I've met new friends and there's even some potential romance in the air. I have peace inside and therefore feel this blog, which has so many negative memories collected on its pages, can no longer be the place where I write to the world.
If you want to keep hearing from me and my life, you can find me at www.shredinaglassbowl.wordpress.com

I hope you enjoyed your stay at this blog and I hope you'll keep on reading me, be it at a different place. Thanks for listening,

Hanne

First day at my new job

I just had my first day at my new job and let me tell you, I have landed the most amazing job. Not only is the food cheap and are the chairs comfy, the people are also really nice and fun and I started together with another girl, which means she and I are now workbuddies. I am a lot less scared of the job now I realise how awesome it is. Got me a whole load of benefits and I'm just very excited about everything. The fact that we ended the day by playing a (not yet released) game on the motion player for an hour and a half because we got through the training so quickly sure didn't hurt!

Update: flat

I recalculated my money and I probably won't be able to move house until end of July. Not too big a worry, though. I first want to pay off my debts before embarking on moving. Also, now I can combine my housewarming party with my birthday party!

Top Three Thursday

With Blogger being down for quite a while, I was really tempted to sort of let this blog wither down and stop writing at all on here. I've recently starting a new blog (www.shredinaglassbowl.wordpress.com) and it seems that I am enjoying it there far more. I'm yet to decide about the future of this blog, but for now, there will be less posts on here. However, I'm going to try and keep up the Top Three Thursdays!

1) I got the job!

Yes, yes, yes, I actually got the job! From the 31st of May onwards, I'll be an employee of Sony Playstation and more precisely a localisation tester. I'll be checking whether the Dutch translation provided is correct (aka, I'm proofreading the games). I'm getting paid a nice salary for it, getting lots of benefits and bonuses, so I'm pretty chuffed. On top of that, it means I'll probably finally be able to move out of this house and into my own little flat! I'll be starting flathunting at the start of next week :-)

2) Free time

With the sudden change of getting a job, my bumming-around-the-house-doing-nothing has suddenly changed to waiting-for-my-job-to-start. This means that what I formerly experienced as wasting my life has now become a bit of a holiday. Therefore, I'm doing whatever I like! Yesterday I celebrated getting my job with two of my close friends, we went for a MacDonald's and then bowling, it was really fun! I also won the second round, but I was using bumpers, so my friends say I was cheating (but I don't think I was). Today the sun is out, so I'm gonna go for a wander around with one of my friends and then tonight I'm gonna participate in a free Advanced Creative Writing workshop. Very much looking forward to that!

3) Moving on

Like I said, now that I'll be earning some good money, I'm looking forward to moving to my own place. I've already started collecting some furniture. One of my close friends moved back home to America in September and put all his stuff he couldn't take at our friends's, and now he's finally decided what he wants of it and the rest of it has been distributed amongst us. Therefore, I now own a double duvet + covers + pillows! I already had a really, really nice goosefeather single duvet which I am continuing to use, but when I want to curl up on the sofa or people are staying over, I'll have a duvet to spare! I'm also getting a television tomorrow, courtesy of someone I don't even know, but who's a friend of a friend and had a television to spare. My friend is going to help me pick it up tomorrow and then I'll have my own television for my new place! Wootwoot! I'm really excited about moving out and I hope it's going to happen when I am planning (start of July), otherwise I'm going to be very disappointed!

I've got the job!

Top Three Thursday

This week a top three of less happy things and more impactful things.

(1) Visitor

An old friend came to visit last weekend. It was tumultuous, overpowering, emotionally draining and it taught me a lot. I'm not going to go into details, but I got to know myself a little better and learned what really matters to me. Learned to accept, learned to let go, learned to put other before myself and myself before others. And now I'm in peace, more or less. At least, I don't have the urge to talk about it with people, which means it's not raging in my mind all the time. Progress.

(2) Job

I went for my second interview with Playstation today. The interview went well, I think, but as it ended I learned that there are two or three other candidates flying in from their homecountry (be it the Netherlands or Belgium) to apply for the job. So the pressure is on, I suppose. I also won't hear whether I got the job or not for another two or three weeks because of the other candidates' interviews. More stress. As I walked him through the slight rain, crossed the park of Wavertree playground, I saw the vastness of it, the houses rounded up around the trees, the sky above me. The wind was blowing through my hair, I felt the seabreeze on my lips and I just sank down. Sat there, for a few minutes. I became calm in the knowledge that this is where I belong. I cannot leave Liverpool. I'll start looking for more jobs tomorrow.

(3) Flat

I've been looking at possible flats in the area of where I work. Found some I would like to go take a look at, but first I need to know whether I get the job or not. Looking forward to having my own place. You can only live with housemates for so long before you start longing for your own place, with or without a family.
Besides, I also want a pet. Fish, guinea pig, rat or cat. Not a dog, though.

The Wicked Witch is dead

I woke up this morning to my housemate telling me "Did you hear? Osama has been killed!". As I had only just woken up, it took a while before it sank in. I logged on to facebook and lo and behold, everyone was of course talking about it. I skipped through the fairly neutral statuses of most Europeans until I hit the jackpot: an American friend of mine who had posted six statuses in about half an hour, all rejoicing about how Osama had been killed, what a triumph, how she was drinking champagne in a American-flag-printed t-shirt while chanting U-S-A! and how she felt America must now feel how Munchkinland felt when they announced that "the Witch is dead".

I felt sick.

Does America really think that by killing Osama, terrorism is all of a sudden going to disappear from this world? Kill the frontman, kill the network? Because the last few years must have shown them that it isn't just Osama saying "oh, let's fly in those towers", making one executive decision, and boom, the whole world changes. In the real world, evil isn't simply rooted out by taking out the frontman.

I see it this way: Either killing Osama has no effect whatsoever, as he is merely a frontman and there are more than enough other to take his place, or killing Osama has a massive impact, as he is the leader, and terror attacks on the US will only get worse. Revenge is a bitch, right?

Either way, whatever the US were trying to accomplish by this (A power vacuum that leaves Al Quaida in shambles? A magic fix to all evil in the world?), the only thing that will come from this is a positive election result from Obama. Cos no matter how much the Americans might have hated Obama in the last couple of years, nothing can touch him now, cos hey, the With is dead.

Top Three Thursday

I know it's technically Friday already, but as I got confused over the day I was flying on, I am still in confused mode and still think it's Wednesday. When it is clearly not. Anyway, time for Top Three Thursday! This week, it's Belgium-themed, as I spent the past week at home.

(1) Family

I was in Brugge (and surroundings) most of the week, spending time with my mom, sister and brother, and also with my other sister and her family and my dad and his family. It was really great, just being a part of their lives for a few days, being immersed into a family life again. I really miss it in Liverpool and it gave me a lot of energy to keep going for a while now! The main event of my trip was of course Easter and with that came Ciska's Confirmation in the Easterwake. It was a wonderful ceremony in the Brugian Cathedral. I saw the bishop and whole bunch of priests and I really enjoyed the mass. Then on Sunday we first had some traditional Easter breakfast (with me cycling to the baker's last minute cos we didn't have enough bread) and after that we had a nice BBQ at mum's, just relaxing in the warmth. It was a laidback day and a really nice family moment - though I must say I slept for a lot of it. For some reason I felt so tired in Belgium! Luckily it was a lot better the next day, when Ciska had a party to celebrate her First Communion. Some of the family came over, including my amazing cousin Delfien and my pregnant auntie whose babybump was just wonderful to see. And then on Tuesday, I left for Liverpool.

(2) Or so I thought...

I had a nice leisurely trip to the airport, arrived at the passport control, give them my boarding card and... *PUUUUUT*. "I'm sorry, Miss, do you have another boarding card on you?" "Erm, no?" "Well, I'm sorry, but this ticket is for tomorrow. You're a day early."
Yes. That actually happened to me. A rebooking of my ticket would cost me 170euros (a new ticket was cheaper at only 135!), so I used my last euro in cash to call Bieke, who was wonderful enough to let me stay with her in Leuven. I actually ended up smiling all the way to Leuven, as I didn't want to leave for Liverpool yet when I left Brugge and now I could stay for a day longer and see all my friends in Leuven! I said hi to Bieke, put my stuff at her room and then she had to go to her evening class so I went to Preparee (after eating an icecream at 't Galetje first, of course). It was great, I laughed til I cried and afterwards I met up with Bieke again, talked for a bit more and went to bed. Spent the next day reading for four hours in my old faculty building (thank God for the series of Eden Hall I brought from home - thanks Mom!), before meeting up for lunch with Anne, for a chat with Katrien and for a quick drink with Nina. In between I chanced upon some more friends, resulting in quite a catch-up day friendship-wise. I really enjoyed my mistake in the end, and as I made the whole passport and security check that evening in ten minutes, I could very leisurely enjoy my flight home. What an end to a great holiday!

(3) Fantine

Last time I was in Belgium, I met for the first time the new cat my mum took under her wing. It is a stray cat, which means she is incredibly shy and barely ever allows to be petted, let alone comes when you call her. I spent the smaller part of a day in the house last time and she avoided me like the plague, so I went away feeling terribly disappointed to not having been able to pet her. This week however, change came about. When Fantine (the cat) wants food, she comes over and acts "nice", so you'll give her what she wants. So when she started curling around my legs again, I decided to take advantage of the situation and picked her up, petting her all the way to the back-kitchen (where the catfood is kept). At first she was very reluctant and tried to get away, but as the days passed, she let me pet her more and more. Two days before I left, I managed to put her in my lap after she had been fed and petted her for a good ten minutes (after which my cat was terribly jealous, so I took him on my lap, and the moment he jumped off again the two cats started fighting - I must say, I secretly felt really loved!) and the next day she actually stayed on my lap for thirty minutes (after which Kamiel - my cat - didn't want to be around me for a fair while, but luckily enough ear-scratching turned him round again). But the true miracle happened on the very last day, just before I left. I sank down in a chair for a few minutes and Fantine, who had been sitting in the other chair, actually lept to the ground, came over and jumped in my lap. She now comes when I call her, she lets me pet her, give her little kisses on her head and will happily sit on my lap and roll round in cuddles. Mission achieved!

Top Three Thursday - Because it shouldn't all be negative

I've decided to start a new, regular post on this blog, listing the Top Three Things that happened in the week. I'll do my best to have a post here every Thursday!

(1) Travel

I have been travelling quite a bit lately, as I wanted to have something to show for my year here once Summer hits. I've been to New Brighton twice, because there is a little spa there and I had voucher for a fish pedicure, and I also went to Wales on Tuesday. New Brighton is a little seaside town about twenty minutes from Liverpool by train (it's on the Wirral, the peninsula on the other side of the river Mersey) and my visit there finally helped me grasp the concept of "a trip to a little seaside resort". You see, in Beligum the entire coast flocks up during Summer, making it hard to even find a spot for your towel on the beach. So for me, the beach is highly unattractive during Summer, despite the fact that I live relatively close to it. Now, because England is an island, it has loooooooads of beaches, which means they aren't all overly crowded! I had a lovely few hours on the beach, taking pictures with Rebecca and just sitting on the promenade watching the water. I also went to Wales with Anne, again to a seaside town, called Llandudno (pronounced "Klandidnow"). It was a booming seaside resort in the Edwardian era and is situated in a bay, which means it looks like an absolutely fairytale. The mountains start straight next to the sea and there's a castle not very far - it would be such a lovely place for a holiday! My family would absolutely love it, that much is certain. Maybe it's an idea for the future, Mum?

(2) Possible Awesome Job

I applied for a job as a playstation game tester; I would basically play playstation games all day and check whether the Dutch translation is okay. It combines my love of language with one of my favourite passtimes: staring at a screen! And the pay isn't bad either, so I'm really crossing all my fingers and toes in hopes of getting the job. It would be great and a real good reason to stay in Liverpool!

(3) Picnic

When the hot weather hit Liverpool last weekend, the group of internationals I meet up with weekly decided to have a picnic in Sefton Park (the biggest park in Liverpool, it's absolutely massive). It was a great afternoon, just sitting around in the sun, playing some silly games and eating gorgeous food - someone even brought some sushi!

Friend-less

After a quick calculation I realised that because most of my friends are graduating this year, I will have 3 close friends left here after Summer. I'm getting more and more convinced I will not stay in Liverpool after the Summer. But I don't know where I'd go next.

Sudley House

I just came back from an amazing afternoon.

Now that I'm unemployed, the simply sitting around doing nothing is driving me crazy. So, after a long and hard day yesterday, I decided that today I would go out and do something. As I browsed through the Liverpool website, my eye fell on a stately home not far from my house and after some texts to friends, my plans for today were made. When I drew my curtains this morning, the sun was pouring its light over the roofs of Allerton and the people in t-shirts were plentiful. I even popped over to the Tesco on the corner in my sandals to buy some milk and cereal and it felt like Summer had come early.

At two o'clock, Rebecca arrived at the busstation and we set out for Sudley House. It was a nice 30 min walk through the residential areas of Allerton and with the sun shining down on us and the wind gently playing with our hair, we were enjoying ourselves as much as we could. We even passed the church where Anne and I got lost the very first time we came to Liverpool, which was a heartwarming memory (although at the time we were almost at each other's throats). The sign for Sudley House showed us a beautiful drive way, but our attention was drawn to the other side of the road, where a gorgeous view of Liverpool in the valley was visible. As I later learned, Sudley House was built on the second highest point in Liverpool, so that the home-owner, a retired shipmerchant, could have a great view over the bustling of the ships on the Victorian Mersey. I saw this panorama at the end of the tour, when one of the guides saw me taking pictures of the garden and proposed to take me to an even better view. Climbing high into the house via the servant stairs, he finally opened a little door and showed me unto the roof, where a breath-taking view was my reward. But I am running ahead of the story.

The beauty of Sudley House is its peace. It's not very well known, which means there are very little tourists (certainly as it was a weekday), which meant we had the garden and the house almost to ourselves. After numerous pictures amongst the trees and flowers next to the driveway, we finally made it up to the house and I was bold enough to ask a guided tour from one of the men there. His speciality was pictures, so he mainly talked about that, but oh, how I enjoyed it. The house itself is not a typical stately home in that its main focus point are the paintings and not the house itself so much. The principal house-owner, George Holt, was a fervent collector of art and after his death, his only child, Emma - a spinster for life -, preserved this collection and the house, donating the house with all its grounds and the pictures to the people of Liverpool after her death in 1944. Sadly, all the furniture was auctioned off, but the house itself was preserved in more or less the same state and so are the pictures. It was lovely getting a guided tour from someone who obviously loves the family history and I drank in every word of it. It reminded me so much of those holidays to England we used to make with my family, stately home after stately home explored, walking through the gardens, having a cup of tea in the cafetaria afterwards. I thoroughly enjoyed it and as the entrance was free, it is a place I will certainly go back to. I found such peace, just sitting on the terrace in the sun, having seen such history and such art. There even was a bridal exhibition upstairs, which meant I saw some beautiful old wedding dresses.

And even now, while I sit in my room behind my computer, the sun slowly setting behind the houses, I feel like I used to do on those days over Summer. My face fresh from the outside walking, with a subtle feeling of cool around my jaws and in my fingers, my eyes ever so slightly drooping, my stomach hungry for bread and soup. I take my book in hand and read and enjoy the new rhythm of my life.

A reaction to my sister's blogpost.

For me, Catholicism has evolved so strongly. Well, my opinion of it has. What I saw as a dry, boring church through which masses I had to drag myself in school, it has become a place of peace and calm, a place where I can experience my faith the way I want it to, without having to join in with the crowd. The Catholic church is the only church where I can sit and enjoy the service and agree with what is being said without having a single sceptical moment (where I think "Well, that's not true" or "Well, isn't that a bit exaggerated" or "Well, that's all nice for you, but it's not my thing"). I don't join in with the Mary-devotion, the Saint-thing is still a bit hard to fathom and during the communion I simply bow my head and remain seated. But the difference is that in the Catholic church, this is okay. At no point do I have the feeling I have to "evolve". There is no pressure on me to pray the Mary-prayer, or to kneel down, or to take the communion. It is simply taking part in faith. In Evangelical and Pentecostal movement, I never felt "finished". I'm not saying I'm finished at all, but in other churches I always felt like I was on this path towards becoming the "right" Christian and I had more to learn and more to learn and more to learn and there was always a part of me that wasn't ready, because I didn't agree with everything or something. I never felt quite at home, fully comfortable. In the Catholic church, I feel comfortable. There is no pressure. I am still challenged and I know my faith still has a lot of growing to do, but I don't think "Oh, in time I will feel okay with speaking in tongues" or "Maybe if I pray more I won't think healing can't be done on a weekly basis like a regular clinic". I don't feel like I am missing in my faith. I can simply sit and bathe in God's presence, in a space especially built for His worship, in a place of serenity, with people who are devotional without making a show out of it. I love it.

And my favourite part? The fact that not everything is about converting your neighbour. I'm gonna come out with it: I háte converting people. I am not the missionary type. I live my life and talk about God and hope people see faith through that, but I have never ever felt good about trying to convert people. Maybe that is why I lacked in the Evangelical church of the Pentecostal church: For me, faith and God's love is not about trying to convince people that this is the best way. It's a way to live, the way to live, but the most important part to me is "Love thy neighbour", not "Make disciples". I know they are both Jesus's words, but one flows from the other, in my heart, and the Catholic church does exactly that.

I don't know if I'll become a "real" Catholic. At this point, I am just extremely happy in the Catholic church, because there is a peace you cannot find in Evangelical churches, and a quiet which would be shunned in the Pentecostal churches. Because there is a devotion which cannot be found in either. What I love, is the awe shown to God. I have never found awe in an Evangelical church. Jesus is your buddy. Maybe, but God is your God, and you should treat Him accordingly. And that's what the Catholic church does. Good ol' respect. I love it!

I'm thinking of becoming a Catholic

or at least attending Catholic mass on a regular basis. Just throwing that out there.

Settling

For the past few months, I've had this feeling which, when I tell people about it, is often a reason for them to look at me funnily. You see, I wouldn't mind if I were to wake up tomorrow and I had skipped over the next ten years of my life and I'm married, with a kid or two, in a house, with a cat, with a car, with a job, with a husband, settled and happy. I wouldn't mind a 9-5 job and being settled in my ways, with my family and my pets, going out for walks in the park on Sundays, maybe visit some family the day before. Coming home in the evening, preparing some food, watching some tv after dinner. Go to bed at a reasonable hour, snuggle up with my husband under the duvet. Wake up the next day and do the same. I wouldn't mind being settled. I'm only 22 years old, but I wouldn't mind being 35 and having the "grown-up" life. I wouldn't mind skipping over the whole "finding a job, meeting the one, falling in love, engagement, get married, move to a nice house, get babies, get pets"-thing and just get to that point where you are settled in life.

I think I might be too old for my age.

Above us only sky

The fact is that no matter how many doubts I have about living here, when I see the sun slowly set over Allerton, I fall in love with this place all over again. There is a beauty in the sky I never knew before, a beauty in the golden beams, coating the world in an orange hue. It might just be the coastal light, the rays reflect on the river, but then I'd know it from back home, wouldn't I? It might just be the English sky, a different light, we're closer to somewhere or other. It might just be the ground, the bricks, the trees. But it is different. The sky is different. It is so grand, so wide. It seems the sky is smaller, there, back home. I would crane my neck and see the rooftops, see the trees. But here, above me only sky. There is very little which makes me happier than drawing back my curtains in the morning and seeing a sky of the purest blue, with soft white clouds spotted here and there. And then at night, there are the stars. Endless, bright, shining stars. The moon is brighter too, somehow. At home, the moon is all I see. Perhaps the Northern star, but here the stars are plentiful, right above my head. No need to travel to the countryside, no need to shade my eyes against the lanterns. Lightpollution at home, it does really cloud your view. I never thought it was so bad, I thought it was only normal for a city, but here I am, next to a busy street and yet the stars are cleared than I've ever seen before. I am closer to nature here, it seems. I do miss Belgium, from time to time; my friends, my life, my family, my pets. But when I walk outside, when I cycle through Liverpool and its many parks, I feel happy and at ease. The air is clearer, the sky is brighter, the sun is warmer on my face. Or maybe it's just Spring, after a long and cold Winter.

Lent

In honour of my sister Ciska, I have made a resolution this Lent. I'm giving up inter-mealtime-snacking. This may sound like a rather silly resolution, but for me it is massive. Since moving to Liverpool, where food is ridiculously cheap and very easy to acquire, I have started to snack all day round, resulting in a not so flattering tummy. It also means that the moment I sit at my computer, I want to eat something. Not good. So, this Lent's resolution, I am sticking to three main meals a day, without only one or two snacks a day. Breakfast, lunch (followed by dessert), a snack at about 4pm and dinner, and then, if needed, a late-night snack. If I really crave something in between meals, I eat a piece of fruit. I was going to participate in an action which suggests to eat no meat at all for Lent, but with the fact that, being a student, I'm not always eating high-quality food, I thought giving up meat might be a bit unhealthy for me. As for giving up chocolate, I decided to not go there either, as I don't really eat chocolate anyway, but then yesterday there was a chocolate fountain at the guild and we got a free pack of chocolate and well, I ate a lot of chocolate. So that wouldn't have worked anyway.

Another thing I'm doing is going to church again. This is not necessarily Lent-related, it just coincides, but as Lent is a time of reflection, I figure it was a good time to start this resolution. I have immense trouble getting up in the morning and Sunday morning service just wasn't working for me, so instead I have written down all the services given in both the Catholic church which is associated with the university as the Catholic Cathedral, and I've decided that if I can't make Sunday, I'll do Monday, if I can't make Monday, I'll do Tuesday and so on. So far, so good, I went to mass on Monday and it was quite nice. It was only a short mass and the priest was South-American so I honestly didn't understand a word he was saying, but it was good nonetheless.

Another thing which is slowly taking form in my mind, but which is a plan for the future, is taking driving lessons. I think it's time I learn to drive, and if I have enough money and time, I might start taking lessons. We will see. Plans for the future, though.

Of pancakes and sunshine

Today is Pancake Day. In Belgium, this is know as "Vastenavond", the evening before Lent and in this country a complete outburst of pancakery. I have been invited to two different houses to join in the festivities and am very excited to celebrate it with my friend Anne. This week Spring has truly hit Liverpool (despite a continuation of cold temperatures), with flowers butting everywhere and sun shining most of the day. It has also started a new period of Jobseeker's Allowance in my life, as my boss cannot support all his staff due to financial problems. Though I will certainly be needed after Easter when the new product comes out, at the moment, I have to rely yet again on the government to survive. In a way it is good, as it is an extra motivation and help to find a full-time job, but on the other hand I feel like I'm leeching on the system yet again and it pains me. Apart from that there's is also the utter boredom, as I have now officially left uni, which means I have nothing to do. But there is always a way out of this: I am booking my days full of events, lectures and friends. Yesterday I went to the World Museum with Anne (which has an aquarium in it, which is pretty great) and to pub in the evening, cramming in mass in the Catholic cathedral in between. Today I had lunch with my friends in the Guild (got some free chocolate with it), withdrew from university, got an appointment to get my Jobseeker's going and in a few hours I'll be going for pancakes at Anne's and pub with frisbee after. Now Spring has come to town it is a lot more pleasant to go into town and visit things, as well as taking walks. Now I will no longer have access to the library to spend endless hours pointlessly surfing the net, I will now hopefully have the opportunity to read a lot more books, in the sunshine or around campus. On top of this I am trying to start up a new Student Improv Team at the university, which should take up some of my time too. And I might already have a job I could do, translating videogames into Dutch. But I have to apply for that and I need the help of the Jobcentre from that.

Over the next few months, I will certainly be staying in Liverpool and I will try to absorb as much of the city and life as possible. My goal is to learn about new things, read new books, see new things and make new friends. This year so far has enriched my life thoroughly and I cannot wait to see what the rest of it brings.

"Why should I keep putting money into this course when my heart isn't even in it?"

Decisions

I thought I had failed, with a 45%, but apparently that's still a pass at the University of Liverpool. Forgive me if I think this university is a bit of a joke. In any case, for a good 20 minutes, I thought I had failed my main module and its impact was grave. That I was to quit (and not retake the exam) was chrystalclear, but what to do next was the big question. Staying here seemed the easiest thing to do. Quit uni, stay working part-time, in the meantime search for a full-time job I like to do. But is this what I want? Do I really want to stay in this city or is it merely the easiest option?

I could also go back home. Either start a new course at the University of Leuven or find a job and work full-time. If I want to do a new course, I'll have to find a way to finance it. Working part-time would certainly be a start, but Belgium is more expensive than Liverpool and I'm not sure I'll be able to fund it. And what course would I do? I'd also have to face the judgement of certain people, telling me I wasted a year of my life, wasted money, wasted tears. But I would never agree. This year has taught me more about myself than I expected, has made me stronger, more independent, more able to deal with trouble come my way. It certainly is not a wasted year, however, to keep paying for a Masters I don't even like to do, thát would be a waste. So no, I will not stay and keep on studying. If I do, I'll do it back home.

But I might just return and find a job. The one option that scares me but makes the most sense. It's where my home is, where my qualifications count, where I can do what I am used to. Where I have my friends, my family, everything I know. Visiting my little niece last week made me realise how much I feel like I should be home again. But it also scares me. Where am I to live? Where am I to work? How, what, when?

It would be so easy to just stay here, work, put my life on hold. And maybe I should do that. Stay here, at least until the Summer. Save up some money, maybe, even. Though that might be too wishful a thinking. Get a good job over Summer (au pair, maybe?). Then go back home. Or stay. That part I'm still to figure out.

I need advice. Some help. Someone to tell me what to do. What should I do?

Finances, again

Apparently I'm not getting my housing benefits this month, resulting in me not being able to pay either my tuition fees or my rent. Problem. Luckily I have by now learned how to shrug off these problems and see the brighter side: at least I'll have some money to live on this month (as I am still getting my wage, low as it may be). I'm gonna pay half my rent, leaving me with about 100 pounds to survive on for a month (heaps of money in comparison to the 30 pounds I thought I would have) and then hopefully my housing benefits will come in quickly, providing me with more than enough money to pay off both my tuition fees and my rent.
Until that time, I guess I'll just struggle on.

Quick update

I hit my head and went to a spa, my brother's birthday is tomorrow and I'm going to Belgium next weekend.

New Pictures - Spring is coming!

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=74179&id=1012737481&l=fe56ceab09

It such a perfect day

It started when I opened my curtains and saw the sun flooding everything around me. A wonderful shower, some toast and a quick facebookcheck before setting off through a perfect day of early Spring, along fresh green fields with playing youngsters, people walking their dogs and endless singing birds. A perfect timing, printing in the library and arriving on the dot at Tom and Liz's. Having some banter about the places in the car. Cheesy pop songs, blaring through the speakers and us joining in. Bickering over navigation but laughing about it. MacDonalds on impulse, a lightsaber in a Happy Meal. More singing, more sun and landscapes. Getting lost but having fun with it. Karting, feeling the exhiliaration in my heartbeat and the wind in my hair. Not finishing last. Driving back in the car, seeing the sun behind the clouds, a brilliant silver lining, music in the background, friends' laughter and feeling truly happy and in exactly the right place. Going to ASDA, finding my favourite Belgian beer at a very decent price and getting flirted with by a cute ginger Irish male cashier. Eating some salami-sausage and a Scottish egg. Watching telly and just talking while waiting for the food to get ready. Drinking my beer. Eating gorgeous food, playing Trivial Pursuit and Wii, more laughter. Watching Take Me Out and feeling good about myself. Actually feeling like doing exercise when playing more Wii. Saying goodbye to my friends, cycling home in the chill Winter evening. Coming home and realising that this was a perfect day.

See a familiar face and wave

The landscape of my friendships is forming and I'm liking the view. I've reached that crucial point, the moment where every other time you venture outside, you see someone you know. In growing up in a small city and especially in studying in an equally small city, I would always see someone or other on my way to uni or work, throw a little wave out of my sleeve or stop for a chat. I have now reached that point and am enjoying it to the fullest. Bumping into random people is one of my favourite things in the world and nowadays it happens at least once a day. Whether it is in the library, on campus or on my way to work, there is always someone to wave to. I love that.

Happiness rate

When I look back at the last 7 months, my happiness rate has definately increased. Money can't buy happiness? I disagree. Although you can be perfectly happy with a small income, no income at all is a definite happiness killer. It's only now, when I finally have job security and a relatively good income, that I can breathe, feel free to do what I want and enjoy my days off. It is still a bit of a struggle, as it always is the first two or three months after starting a new job, paying off debts and trying to find that place where you know how much is coming and going out and what the extras are. But at the moment, I am quite happy. No money worries per se, university which has finally started to be interesting, lots of friends (more on that in another blogpost) and a very busy calendar. I am living a very fulfilling life and very much enjoying it, and apart from perhaps some travelling and an amorous element, I am perfectly happy with what I have. For the travelling, once I get some money in, I'll hopefully be able to cram in a lowbudget city trip for a day or two, break away from it all for a short period (as it's the time of year where I traditionally get out of the country and explore a brand new city) and then roll back into routine again. The other thing, well, we shall see what time brings.

I must say, I am quite happy. Spring is coming (I discovered krokus's next to my front door!), I am "finding my turn" and when people ask me how work or uni is going, I always answer positive. Happiness level: reached.

Life as a working girl

I have neglected this blog for a while and to be honest, I had good reason. I am finally slipping into the pattern of work and am now routinely experiencing the feeling of relief the working man (or woman) feels when they get home after a long day, plunge down on their sofa and switch the television on. I am not working long hours (3,5 hours a day, if I'm lucky), but with all the other activities going on (uni, friends, administrative business), it always feels like a long journey home. What is more, as I cycle in and out of town every day, it is a long journey home.
I have to be in work at half eleven, most days (that's 11.30am, for those Europeans amongst us), which means getting up at ten(-ish) and setting out for town at eleven. That might sound like a dream to most of you, but if you know me and you know my sleeping habits, ten o'clock will just cut it and the thought of anything earlier scares me. Anyway, at eleven (though it's mostly 5 past by the time I leave the house), I set out, cycling up the hill to city centre. As Liverpool is basically built on a donutshaped hill (so, to get into town from out of town, you need to first cycle up a hill and then you cycle down a hill once you reach the city), I need to collect my strength beforehand. Luckily my bike is working like a charm nowadays (*), which means the hills aren't too hard to muster, althought I must admit that approximately 12 minutes into my journey, I approach the last, hardest bit of the hill (the actual part where you can feel it) and I get off my bike and walk for two minutes, as I'm usually a little too worked up by that time to want to climb it the normal way (I cycle the first part of the ride quite quickly). Then I get to the top, cross the big street, get on my bike, cycle through the park, go past uni and down Hardman Street we go. That is probably my favourite moment of the ride (apart maybe from riding down the first hill right outside my house which runs by Wavertree Park), as I can see the Liverbuildings tower over the rest of the city, with the Mersey running behind them. It's a beautiful view and if I ever get a decent camera (the one I have works, but it's hard to take really nice pictures with), I will certainly take a picture there. For now, it's for my eyes only. At the bottom of Hardman Street I turn into Bold Street and then I'm basically at work. My boss is a really nice guy, my colleagues are nice and the work itself is not too bad either. I'm still getting a grip on it, making only one sale a day, but hopefully that will soon grow to a nice number of 5 a day. I'm sure it shouldn't be a problem. After 3,5 hours I finish work (mostly it's even less, as my boss tends to have meetings and such, which means coming in later or finishing early), clocking off at 4.30pm. It is rare that I go home straight after work, as I often have plans in the evening or right after, be it with friends or for socials (frisbee, Cafe Home, Sticky Floor...). If I have to be somewhere in the evening, I tend to go to the library or to friends, hang out at either place until my appointment is due. The issue with that is that it means I often spend some money getting hot food, which would be cheaper to make at home. But considering some chips and mayo is only £1,50, I am not too worried about it. Plus, I tend to pack lunch, saving money there. I usually tend to go home at around 11pm if I have a social occasion, if not, I get home around 5 or 6, pop some food in the microwave or on the stove and put BBC iPlayer on. It's a luxury we don't have in Belgium (not the BBC, anyway) and I love the programs on it.

As you can see, my days are very filled, with adventures and fun, but also with work and a lot of sleep and tv. I am exhausted at night, going to bed at one (yes, mom, I know you think that's late, but for me, that's perfect), falling asleep right away and up and ready for the next day nine hours later.



(*) The round disk on which the gears run at the backwheel was the original one on my bike, and as I've had this bike for 12 years, it was completely worn down, as was the chain itself. I had both replaced and now it runs like a charm again and I can use my gears and get the right result for the first time in five years. I did get three punctures in three weeks because of the huge amount of broken glass in this city - if you're used to clean cities such as Leuven or Brugge, Liverpool can be a bit of a shock -, but now I'm running again.

New Year's Resolutions: at last!

I finally came up with some New Year's resolutions, which is good, I think. I have five, now:

- At the end of every day, take all of the pennies out of my purse and put them in my little piggy-bank-shaped-as-a-blue-cow. This way, I get rid of the small change in my wallet and at the same time, I have a bit of saving on the side for a cream egg or some sweets from time to time!

- Wear my hair long. I have come to a habit where I wear my hair in a bun about 95% of the time, which is starting to annoy and bore me. Yesterday, a friend told me to wear my hair long more often, as I should be proud of such long hair. Therefore, I am going to try to wear it loose and long more often and truly enjoy it.

- Wear eau de toilette every day. I have lovely eau de toilette which I barely ever use, as I have perfume which I use when I go out. I should use my eau de toilette and put on a little bit every day, so I smell nice throughout the entire day and feel more feminine (because it is hard competing with the girls in Liverpool; slags though they may be, they make me feel very unfeminine when I walk through the city, in comparison to them)

- Be myself. Although I want to feel feminine and am sometimes a bit jealous of those girls wearing make-up and high heels like it's nothing, I don't want to fall into the trap of becoming one of them. Yes, they can walk in high heels and they know how to make their eyes big and beautiful, and I never seem to reach that level of glamorous, but I don't want to be one of the masses. I have my own unique style and have always prided myself in that, so I will make more of an effort to stick with that and wear what I feel comfortable in, even though it might not be to English standards. Being yourself is always the most beautiful!

- Be adventurous. I already had this in my mind, but a friend of mine made me even more resolute to add this to my resolutions. I want to fully enjoy my stay in Liverpool and now money is not (that) tight anymore (granted, it will still be very hard for the next two months!), I have more opportunity to do so. Besides, fun stuff don't always has to cost something. I want to go to gigs, have evenings out, take walks, take pictures and visit the city even more. Live life to the fullest!

Essay-er.

I was getting a little lost. I read and read, and typed and typed, but it didn't feel like I was being productive. And then today, I struck gold. It is still not the masterpiece of the year, but at least now it feels like I am actually writing something which is me, and not just copying out of a book. Not that I've written anything yet, but I've made lists and conclusions and I can see the essay forming itself in front of my eyes.

As a literature student, I am used to reading a book, consulting maybe one or two sources before spinning a theory on how certain characters act or social issues are brought forward or whatever a literary style and vocabulary can create within a book. I made the analysis, I came to the conclusion, I wrote the paper. As a historian, things are slightly different. You see, you cannot invent history. You cannot have a take on history, a theory, a view on what happened. You can write about people's opinions, but those opinions are all based on facts (no matter how biased). There is nothing you can write which you create yourself, everything has happened in the past. It is a mere labour of copying the way which was walked before you and hoping that you'll find a side-way which hasn't been trod upon before. And frankly, this is a depressing matter. I myself cannot claim to have found the new road to truth, but yes, I think I might have finally found a little corner of the way which hasn't been described in detail yet. A little loophole in the theory, an excavation of the past. It is barely worth mentioning, but at least I am not copying quote after quote out of a book anymore. These are the grindings of my thoughts, a thing I might not have created from scratch, but at least it feels my own. I put my stamp on history and even though it's barely a postscript to the epos which is the past, at least the ink is there to prove it's mine and no-one else's.

Six months of Liverpool

Half a year ago, in the height of summer, I set foot on English soil (it was rather cold, I must say) and started my journey to Liverpool. I arrived in Plattsville Road late at night, dragged my suitcases in, got some food and went to bed. The next day, the adventure began. I explored Liverpool, as one of its people, for the first time. And here we are now, six months later. Do I feel like this is my home now? Maybe. With my job and my new church and new friendships forming, together with new plans, my life is taking shape more and more every day. If today would be a nice day, I would go out and do something special, but as the sky is grey and the rain is trickling, I rather curl up in bed and watch a film. A pity, you would say, at first glance. A pity that I am not doing something special on this special day. But in a way, it's perfect. Not that I spend every living moment watching films in bed, but when I have a day off and no plans, that is what I do. It is one of my favourite activities and I don't care if that sounds sad, I like it and that's that. The BBC iPlayer is a good friend in whose company I like to spend these forlorn hours of nothingness. That is the thing about Liverpool and where I live. If I am not in the centre, I am more or less confined to my room. I don't have to be, but let's face it, if I want any action, I have to leave Allerton, by bus or by bike, and head out to the city. My house is my recluse, the place where I spend time in between my life. A place far away from most of my friends, a place away from work, from school. And I like it that way. It means I can have a lazy day and stay in bed, watching films in my pyjama, without feeling guilty about all the social things going on outside my door. This is my burrow and I like it.

So, yes, I do feel at home here. I long for my bed after a wild night out, long for my room after a day in the library. The rest of my house, not so much. In six months today, I hope to be moving into a new place, a clean place, a place of my own, maybe shared with another person. And I have a feeling that until that day, I will never really completely at home. But until then, 95% of home-ness will do.

Work: the first days

Yesterday I started my new job as well as my essay. The job was as easy as it gets, copying names and numbers from a directory onto a sheet of paper. I also made some tea. However, tomorrow I will be starting my calls and though I am confident enough, I might get a little nervous as the evening progresses. Last time I did (tele)sales I more or less crash-and-burned, so let's hope this time is different. My boss is a pretty English guy, the lang and lanky rockstar-like dressed Scouser, which makes the job a whole lot more pleasant. Only downside being that his computer has been infested with trojans lately and that it's never fun to see your boss almost crying with frustration.
My essay so far has been interesting enough or should I say, the book I'm reading. I realise more and more that my essay is basically a summary of the core book I'm reading, but if that's what the professor wants, then that's what the professor gets.

As I am currently in the library and eager to do some more work, more will follow soon.